So many of my thoughts these days, deep or otherwise, revolve around Forrest. He takes up a lot of room in my head, especially when he has a cold and I wish I could be home with him instead of sending him to daycare while I work (except Grandparent-Daycare, that’s awesome!). Lately he hasn’t been sleeping very well at regular daycare so he’s tired and fussy when I get him and I don’t know how to fix it… I think he’s just too distracted and interested in what’s going on to sleep in a room with 7 other babies and/or toddlers. But I feel sorry for him all the same.
Another cold also means we’ve been suctioning his nose to try to relieve him of some of that snot build up. Well, trying to suction his nose – he’s become a two-armed octopus lately, not to mention a master head-mover, so it’s a difficult job. For a short while I could sneak in a couple of suctions by making it a game – with suction bulb at the ready and smiling big I’d sing the Jaws theme duh-duh…duh-duh…duh-duh, which he thought was pretty fun. But not anymore. One morning his poor nose was practically crusted over and he could barely breathe so I held him down while Matt suctioned and he screamed and cried and thrashed as much as he could. But then we were done and he was too, back to a happy baby.
And here’s the Deep Thought: Isn’t it a blessing that babies his age don’t seem to remember all the things that make them cry? Both for future reference and because if he remembered we held him down to torture him with the suction bulb he wouldn’t let us near him ever again. Or if he remembered I made him cry it out last night for a whole 15 minutes because it was 4:00am and I already tried rocking him back to sleep 3 times. Or if he remembered how angry he was that I wasn’t feeding him RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I’M STARVING ALREADY, MOMMA! Or that I forced him to take a nap or go to bed when he was tired, no matter how hard he fought it.
They don’t remember the bumps and bruises that lead to learning to sit and crawl and walk. They don’t remember knocking their heads against our lip or jaw or collarbone when they sneeze or throw their head around. They cry till the aggravation stops and then it’s done (usually). No grudges, no holding on to the hurt or anger.
They DO seem to remember the love, though. They remember that you’re Momma or Daddy and that makes you pretty darn cool in their eyes. Forrest lights up when he sees Matt or me and it makes my day every time. He lights up after a suction bulb torture session is done, too. I can’t help thinking that the love we feel is felt by him too, even if he can’t say it yet; that forgiveness each time we make him cry says it for him. And the extra hugs and snuggles and attention probably help too.
I realize there are too many babies in this world who don’t have Forrest’s advantages, the love and care we shower on him, and that breaks my heart. I realize many of these babies likely do remember the tough stuff, at least abstractly, and that breaks my heart too. But perhaps that inability to remember the *details* let’s them continue to grow and thrive if at all possible. And I realize the growing and thriving isn’t always possible either.
But those thoughts are too deep to dwell on for very long. Instead I dwell on the love I feel for Forrest and Matt, my family and friends, and keep a special place in my heart for the babies who don’t have the good life.
Please love your babies. Please.
Hmmm, didn’t realize this post was going in this direction…
(p.s. Forrest usually sleeps this way, with his hands tucked under his head, just like his daddy does. i love that!)
I hated doing the bulb syringe, too – we had to do that a lot with Logan, who was a flailer as well (Coley seemed to skip a lot of the baby colds, thankfully). When I was home alone and had to suction, I would swaddle him up in a blanket real tight (arms in of course) put him on the changing table WITH the safety strap on, and then I could hold his head with one hand and suction with the other. Then, of course, he would scream and cry and I just KNEW I was the worst Mom ever, so I gave him lots of extra cuddles and songs.
Total forehead-smacking moment, I never thought to swaddle him so I could do it myself! Oddly enough he’ll let me do it now, as long as he isn’t totally stuffed up, because he seems to find it interesting. The nut.